Champagne Supernova.


love chronicles, love oh love
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Currently blank emoticon blank

I remembered it was a hot Saturday afternoon. I was staring blankly at the television, I don’t remember what was on. The free cable had crappy shows and I was constantly flicking the channels to find something good to watch. He was on the other side of the room, busy with his computer games. We both have our own stuff going on except for the Winamp player in his laptop playing random songs which we were both listening to.

There’s one song that got stuck in my head at that particular moment. It was playing and I shifted my blank gaze from the television to him.

I was looking at him and recalling my first two years in college, how I was crying for a reason I don’t know at that time. My mind was just a blur of thoughts. I am not sure if I was crying because of my dad’s recent passing away, or if it was because I was alone, or it was because I felt that no one in the world can understand me and what I was feeling.

I was looking at him and wondering why this person was with me, let alone, existed. There were so many circumstances why we were in the same university, why we met and why we were drawn to each other that it seemed almost impossible that we were in a relationship together.

Maybe that was the reason I felt overwhelmed. There could have been a different guy at that particular time, but it was me and him there in the same room, listening to Oasis’ Champagne Supernova among other songs in the random playlist that I always loved. I was so in love with him, I thought, and I would do anything to keep it that way. I didn’t care what might happen in the future, it was still several years away from where we were then. I just wanted to stay in that moment of trance.

And the song reminded me of that eleven year-old epic high.

I don’t have any regrets in any of my past relationships. But I realized that an epic love only comes once in a person’s lifetime. You will still feel love after succeeding heartbreaks, yes. But I feel that there would only be one time that you will be allowed to love “that” way. Once the shot for epic love has passed, you need to spend the rest of your life just remembering and hoping that you can encounter that same love, or even a far greater one, on your next lifetime.

I believe in one epic love. Unless, otherwise. :)

Day 1: Poof.


soul
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Currently okay emoticon okay

From attraction (still is). To casual conversations. To hanging out. Turned tantrums. To misunderstandings. And finally, to hurtful words. Taking one step back (to breathe) and two steps forward. Everything is now past the “moment” and I’m never looking back. Those past months will be missed and forever be remembered.

Feels.


soul
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Currently annoyed emoticon annoyed

It’s that feeling when you finally decided to let down your guard but they misunderstood it for something else.

It’s that feeling when you see a beautiful view and wish you had to see it side by side with someone you love.

It’s that feeling of longing and missing, and you can’t do anything about it.

It’s that random feeling of joy and hurt, and funny how they seem to mesh really well.

It’s that feeling of realization that you had enough and you need to start over.

It’s that feeling of challenging yourself to bid farewell. You try so hard to say goodbye so many times and you know that it won’t be the last.

Wake Up Call.


magic, on me, soul
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Currently cranky emoticon cranky

It’s been four months. I have moved on, but my room is still a mess. Buying a new closet and shoe rack didn’t really help organizing my clothes and shoes that I promised to do two months ago. I feel lazy and the sight of the neverending clothing piled up in the corner seems so normal to me now (I didn’t even know that I had so many clothes until today).

My dresser is another story. It has several things on the surface: make-up, perfumes, lotion, empty water bottle, books longing to be read by their owner, deo spray, a souvenir from my godson’s baptism, sunblock lotion and sunscreen spray. My dresser has been very diverse at hosting different stuff all at once.

I usually go to work not so early in the morning and go home late. I love spending time with friends. At first, it was all about me venting out all my frustrations and anger, but now it’s just to hangout with them. I love being with the few people who know me inside and out and I know they will be around for a very long time.

The past few months have been both happy and gruesome. Of course, the first few were those months wherein you wish everything didn’t happen even though you keep telling your friends that you had no regrets that it did. You wish you hadn’t met the person and didn’t fall too much. You had too much doses of breakup articles and Pinterest quotes which don’t help at all. But in the end, you learn that there are so much worse problems than what your heartbreak is giving you. You realize that effed up things happen to make sure you do well the next time.

I guess I had known myself for a short span of time when it comes to liking/loving someone. I have a list of pros and cons in my mind and know that somehow I have known myself better. But I am still lost. I still doubt myself. I still keep things to myself and afraid of being myself around others. I continue to doubt my self worth. I always think of worst case scenarios because I am wired that way. I am still damaged. I have moved on from the person but I still need fixing.

A person needs some kind of wake up call and I think I got mine today. I need to divert all my energy to things that really matter. I am starting to realize that there is no facade from what you actually see. If a person likes/loves you, there will always be a way for you to know. If a person doesn’t, he/she doesn’t. Sucky truth and it hurts and you need to deal with it.

The so-called wake up call asks me to learn the bass guitar again. Travel more. Renew my relationship with God. Spend more time with people who think you are worth their time. Let go of all the hurt. Reset expectations. Stop with all the false hopes. Start over.

And clean my room. Now, where’s the trash?

Pfft.


soul
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Currently annoyed emoticon annoyed

Kung ayaw, better luck tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or forever.

On Love And It’s Bridge and Readiness.


quotes
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“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”

—Nayyirah Waheed

Melt.


soul
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Currently happy emoticon happy

One smile, then I died.

Agit.


soul
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Currently anxious emoticon anxious

ag·i·tat·ed (adjective)

feeling or appearing troubled or nervous.

#wishfulthinking


serendipity
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If there is someone that you just can’t take off your mind, maybe he’s really supposed to be there.

To My Future Husband.


love chronicles, on me
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Currently optimistic emoticon optimistic

To my future husband, we have been brought together by fate.

Our love story is like a puzzle. The pieces are there, we know the final picture, but building it one by one will be a bit challenging and worth it at the same time.

Out of n-billion people on this earth, we met at some point. It was memorable and very simple. Our eyes met and we engaged in a never ending conversation. We talked for hours and we didn’t know when to stop. We feared that the train of thought at that moment would be lost and will not reach our refreshed memories if we resume the next day.

You know that I am a hopeless romantic. You know that I believe in sparks and love attraction at first sight because you also do. We both believe that two people can really hit it off with “true love” (an abstract term for an effortless connection between two living souls), and we think that it is exactly what we have.

I thank you for loving my tastes in music, for being a fan of my cheap Soundcloud cover songs, for appreciating my fascination for Pinterest and mushy love quotes, for going around my dislike for voice calls and video chats, for understanding my love for K-pop especially Rain, for liking my boyish ways, for tolerating my tantrums, for being able to get that I have this constant need for old-fashioned romance, for always telling me that you will always love me for who I am, for accepting my flaws and embracing them.

Over the years, we have come from weird places and here we are now. You and I. We knew that we found each other despite all the love, betrayal and hurt we had from the past. I love you, the circumstances that brought our paths together, and the forever that we will be.

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