If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.
Someone once asked me, “Are you heartbroken?” I paused and uttered the first word that appeared in my head. Relieved. “I am relieved.”
But while taking a shower (which is the best time all your thoughts flow endlessly, btw), I guess should have answered, “Damaged. Since then, for life.”
I used to be visual about love. I can always picture that someone, no matter what, will come at the perfect time. But now I’m disoriented.
From long-term relationships to being taken for granted to third parties to short term dating to web chats.. Finding a mate has infinite possibilities. But for the first time after a very long time, I’d rather be alone than endure the whole “hunt” all over again. I’m too tired and too stressed; my heart is in pain and it needs rest.
After months and years of playing the game, it’s official. My hopes for love have been shattered and I’m not sure how to recover.
I keep track of my everyday thoughts and rants in a journal as part of my self-declared therapy. I recently found out that after writing what I am feeling and thinking about, I become calm and relaxed so I make it a habit to write an entry almost everyday.
I went over my old notebooks from elementary and highschool and as I flip through the pages, I saw my very young self ranting over past crushes smiling back at hallways in school, petty bestfriend fights, and tons of handwritten love quotes. It was nice going back to those memories from time to time because it reminds you that your perception of things becomes different as you grow mature and wiser in life.
Now that I’m a bit older, I’m still on my way to reaching my potential to become the most mature and wisest version of myself. I lose my way sometimes and having a journal really helps me put things into perspective. I write all of the things I think about, ponder upon and realize so that the handwritten pages will be there whenever I need my wiser self to remind my weaker self.
Also, one of the reasons I keep a journal is because of my poor memory. I need to jot down anything that comes to my mind that I don’t want to slip away.
One of the things I write in particular is the “Notes To Self” list which enumerates collective random thoughts and realizations on everything that has happened to me in the past few years. It also helps me remember everything I have learned in my past relationships.
Notes To Self:
1. People have reasons why they suddenly stop liking/loving you. They avoid doing it face to face most of the time not because they’re douchebags but because they don’t want you adding up their guilt when they see you crying and hurting.
I remembered it was a hot Saturday afternoon. I was staring blankly at the television, I don’t remember what was on. The free cable had crappy shows and I was constantly flicking the channels to find something good to watch. He was on the other side of the room, busy with his computer games. We both have our own stuff going on except for the Winamp player in his laptop playing random songs which we were both listening to.
There’s one song that got stuck in my head at that particular moment. It was playing and I shifted my blank gaze from the television to him.
From attraction (still is). To casual conversations. To hanging out. Turned tantrums. To misunderstandings. And finally, to hurtful words. Taking one step back (to breathe) and two steps forward. Everything is now past the “moment” and I’m never looking back. Those past months will be missed and forever be remembered.
It’s that feeling when you finally decided to let down your guard but they misunderstood it for something else.
It’s that feeling when you see a beautiful view and wish you had to see it side by side with someone you love.
It’s that feeling of longing and missing, and you can’t do anything about it.
It’s that random feeling of joy and hurt, and funny how they seem to mesh really well.
It’s that feeling of realization that you had enough and you need to start over.
It’s that feeling of challenging yourself to bid farewell. You try so hard to say goodbye so many times and you know that it won’t be the last.
It’s been four months. I have moved on, but my room is still a mess. Buying a new closet and shoe rack didn’t really help organizing my clothes and shoes that I promised to do two months ago. I feel lazy and the sight of the neverending clothing piled up in the corner seems so normal to me now (I didn’t even know that I had so many clothes until today).
My dresser is another story. It has several things on the surface: make-up, perfumes, lotion, empty water bottle, books longing to be read by their owner, deo spray, a souvenir from my godson’s baptism, sunblock lotion and sunscreen spray. My dresser has been very diverse at hosting different stuff all at once.
“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”